Nothing Beats A Luhya’s Appetite – I Almost Bust My Guts Trying

I had heard of tales, laughed at memes, and listened to stand-up comedians make fun of the Mulembe feeding habits.

Never had I stood the test of having to gulp huge volumes of food into my inexperienced gut until I met this staunch, outspoken and proud Luhya, Barack.

Barack is a well-built family man, with two amazing kids. In his household, everyone respects the mealtime.

Some behaviors are not tolerated. The rule is – you are never to leave your plate with remains.

Once daddy or mommy sets the mark, you have to reach it, no matter how hard. Everything has to be cleared.

Ed’s almost anorexic

My friend Ed and I visited Barack on this day. Ed and Barack were already well acquainted with one another. They had met earlier. I was the new sheep in the pack.

Ed is almost anorexic, he eats as little as his 4-year-old self.

Kids at this age eat lesser food because they don’t need that much energy.

And there’s a name for it – physiological anorexia. When it sets in, some parents have to force-feed out of worry.

I guess Barack had similar concerns over Ed, who had considerably shrunk in size.

His waist size was down 2 figures already.

Barack wouldn’t stop making fun of it. All along he had just the right treat in mind.

“He’s going to grow 10 inches when I’m done with him.”

The chopping, baking and frying

We had bought a mix of greens – managu, kales and spinach on the street.

Upon arrival, Barack got to work chopping the vegies with enthusiasm I had never seen before. I admired the skill.

Meanwhile, his wife Mary, also a Mulembe, was busy baking the Luhyas’ favorite cake; the simplest and most frugal of all cakes.

All it takes to prepare is maize flour, water, and a bit of arm strength – it’s an added advantage especially for a Luhya because these people don’t bake for fun; they bake summits.

The greens were all chopped up and ready for frying. Mary got to work again, while we carried on with banter.

“You know Ed, you could easily be mistaken for a kid, thank goodness for the stubble on your face.” Barack went on.

Ed just shrugged it off as we laughed.

It’s mealtime and Barack gets cunning

Soon enough, the table was bombarded with an extra king-size piece of ugali, steaming vegies and meat stew.

Mealtime was here. Game on!

“It’s self serve, go ahead, get your mboga,” said Barack. Everyone reached out to the bowls and served their plates with stew and vegies.

Now to the main meal – the cake. Barack took it upon himself to serve the big white cake. How cunning!

I thought he was going to slice it up into little pieces so we would pick as many as would be enough.

At least that is how it’s done in my world.

But this man puts no limits. Apparently, slicing is done to make you eat less.

A sizeable challenge

I was surprised at the size of ugali placed into my plate. “Should I share this with Ed?”

“No, my friend, it’s all yours, eat!”

I was looking at a chunk huge enough that it would take me three separate meals to finish. Ed got a similar proportion.

Barack and Mary looked unshaken as they hauled big chunks into their plates.

Poor Ed, if this was already too much for me, how was he going to survive?

Eat like men!

Mary said the grace, and now it was time to fill our guts.

It’s go time!

“Now, I want you to eat like men,” Barack went on, with a stern eye on Ed.

“And you have to finish it all!”

“It is the worst thing you can do to a Luhya woman, failing to clear her plate. It implies that her cooking is not good,” He explained.

“Yes please, you have to,” Mary backed him.

“You cannot afford to disappoint Mary, she cooks well.”

Sometimes abundance is a problem just as much as lack is. This was the truth of the moment.

Ed couldn’t get past half of the huge plate. He bowed out.

Meanwhile, I was not going to leave Mary insecure just because I couldn’t clear a plate. No! I’m made of more.

“Go ahead Dan, that is child’s play, lazima umalize!” The man cheered me up.

I had never taken this much in my life. By the end of the ordeal, I couldn’t bear to look at or smell anything edible.

I had to walk leaning forward.

I can’t remember the last time this happened, I must have been somewhat 10 or 12.

Now I respect Luhyas, knowing by experience what they are capable of.